The lost property office
Scene: A lost property office
Characters: The lost property office clerk
The gangster runs into the lost property office. There are police cars passing in the street at high speed.
Clerk Can I help you?
Gangster Where am I?
Clerk You're in a lost property office.
Gangster A lost property office?
Clerk Yes. Have you lost something?
Clerk What have you lost?
Gangster I've lost my... umbrella.
Clerk Ah, you want the Umbrella Section.
Gangster The Umbrella Section?
Clerk Yes. Go out into the street, turn left, and it's on the left.
Gangster Into the street?
Clerk Yes. You see, this isn't the Umbrella Section. This is the Animal Section.
Gangster The Animal Section?
Gangster In that case, I've lost my dog.
Clerk You've lost your dog.
Clerk Well, in that case, you want the Small Animal Section.
Gangster TheSmall Animal Section?
Clerk Yes. Go into the street, turn right, and it's on the right.
Gangster Into the street?
Clerk Yes. You see, this isn't the Small Animal Section. This is the Large Animal Section.
Gangster The Large Animal Section?
Gangster In that case, I've lost my elephant.
Clerk You've lost your elephant?
Clerk I see. Well, I'll need a few details. Would you like to sit down?
Gangster I'd love to.
The gangster sits down.
Clerk Now, first of all: Name.
Gangster Er.. .Winston.
Clerk Well, Mr Winston -
Gangster No. my name isn't Winston. The elephant's name is Winston.
Clerk I see. And what is your name?
Clerk (Writing-.) Churchill. Address?
Gangster Er.. .Churchill's Circus.
Clerk Oh, I see. It's a circus elephant.
Gangster Is it?.... Yes. Yes, it is!
Clerk When did you last see him?
Clerk The elephant.
Gangster Oh, Winston. Well, we were on a bus yesterday -
Clerk On a bus?!
Clerk How did Winston get on a bus?
Gangster How did Winston get on a bus?
Gangster That's a very good question. Well... He waited at the bus stop, and when the
bus came along, he put out his arm. And when the bus stopped, he got on.
Clerk I see. And then what happened?
Gangster Well, we were upstairs on the bus -
Gangster Yes. Winston wanted to smoke a cigarette.
Clerk A cigarette?!
Gangster I know - I tell him everyday: 'Winston, smoking is bad for you'. But he never
Clerk Hmm. What happened then?
Gangster Well, I fell asleep.
Clerk You fell asleep?
Clerk I see. And then what happened?
Gangster I don't know - I was asleep. But then I woke up, and Winston wasn't there.
Clerk Hmm. Well. I'd better ask you a few questions about him. What kind of
elephant is he?
Gangster Oh, he's very nice - generous, loving ... he likes collecting stamps.
Clerk No - when I say 'What kind of elephant?', I mean: Is he an African elephant?
Gangster Oh, no.
Clerk So he's an Indian elephant.
Clerk What kind of elephant is he?
Clerk A Scottish elephant?!
Gangster Yes. He wears a kilt.
Clerk I see. What colour is he?
Gangster Colour? Well, he's elephant-coloured.
Clerk And what colour is that?
Gangster Blue. It was very cold yesterday.
Clerk Yes, it was. Next question: Colour of eyes.
Gangster Well, you know, like an elephant.
Clerk What colour is that?
Gangster One red, one green.
Clerk One red, one green?!
Gangster Yes. We call him Traffic Lights'.
Clerk I see. Colour of hair?
Gangster He hasn't got any hair.
Clerk I see. (Writing:) Bald... .So we're looking for a bald, blue, Scottish elephant,
wearing a kilt and smoking a cigarette.
Clerk Is there anything unusual about him?
Gangster No, nothing at all.
Clerk Good. Now, Mr Churchill, what should we do if we find Winston?
Gangster Well... Put a banana in your hand, walk up to Winston, and say 'Kootchie-kootchie-koo'.
Clerk What will Winston do?
Gangster Well, if it's Winston, he'll sit down and he'll eat the banana.
Clerk All right, Mr Churchill. Just wait a moment, and I'll call the Elephant Section.
The clerk picks up the telephone and dials a number.
Clerk Hallo? George?... It's Brenda ... I'm fine, thank you - and you?... Good.
George, have you got any elephants?... You haven't? Hold on a moment.
(To the gangster:) He hasn't got any elephants.
Gangster No elephants? Well, not to worry. Sorry to have troubled you. Thank you for your help. I'll be on my way. Goodbye.
He gets up. A police car passes in the street. He sits down again.
Gangster Er... Ask George to have another look.
Clerk All right. (Op the phone:) George, can you have another look?
Gangster Tell him to look under the table.
Clerk Look under the table. .. .What?... (To the gangster) He's got one.
Gangster A table?
Clerk No, an elephant.
Gangster An elephant?
Clerk Yes. It was under the table.
Clerk (On the phone:) Yes, George, I'm listening... Yes ... Yes ... Yes ... Yes ... Yes. Hold on. (To the gangster:) He's got a bald, blue, Scottish elephant, wearing a kilt and smoking a cigarette. It sounds like Winston.
Gangster What about the banana?
Clerk Oh, yes. (On the phone:) George ... I want you to put a banana in your hand, and say 'Kootchie-kootchie-koo'..... No, not to me - to the elepnant. OK?... What?... Oh, no!
Gangster What's the matter?
Clerk The elephant sat down.
Clerk On George.
Gangster Tell George to give Winston the banana!
Clerk Right. Oh (he phone:) George? George!... Get up and give the banana to the elephant.... Hallo?... What?... Oh, no!
Gangster What is it?
Clerk He's eaten the banana.
Gangster Who? Winston?
Clerk No. George.
Gangster Oh, no!
Clerk Oh (he phone.) George, I think you should bring the elephant down here. The
owner is waiting to take him away.... OK ... Bye.
The clerk puts down the telephone.
Clerk Don't worry, Mr Churchill. Your elephant will be here in a moment.
Gangster Look - before this elephant arrives, there's something you should know -
They hear the sound of an elephant.
Clerk Ah, that must be Winston.
They hear the sound of someone falling over.
Clerk And that's George.
Someone knocks at the door.
Clerk Go on, Mr Churchill. Open the door.
Gangster Oh, all right.
He opens the door.
Gangster Hallo, Winston. Kootchie-kootchie-koo!
Policeman Mr Churchill?
Gangster But.. .this isn't an elephant. It's a policeman.
Policeman Very good, sir. Now, if you'd like to follow me ...
Clerk Goodbye, Mr Churchill. And don't forget: If you lose your elephant again, the
Lost Property Office is here to help you.
Gangster Oh, good. I'll remember that.
He leaves with the policeman.